this looks even stranger than the other ones

update: 99012.10

 

Here, I try to keep track of what's going on around, and with me. Perhaps it's most useful for me sometimes later, if I happen to grow old. Still, feel free to laugh at my numerous attempts to make a fool of myself. (oh and remember to tell me if I'm succeeding in that ^)

This area of Cloudy Night could go on without update for a long time

 

Friday, December 10th, 1999 link of the day: Aestheticism
What is it about yaoi...
It's been a few eternities since I've been writing, but there's something I feel I need to tell the few readesr that still might be floating around here. Just a word of warning though, the subject is yaoi, male to male relationships in anime/manga, so if you don't care about the particular subject, skip this one.

So what is it that made me interested in the subject in the first place? All of anime is well known for good stories and wonderful characters, but still it's clear that some anime works stop at some point because the content is designed to be viewed by younger people. Holes like this leave place for the imagination and fan fiction, too.

I've read fanfics for a long time, many kinds, but after reading a lot of ff7 fics, of various styles, I found that I really felt the yaoi ones had a deeper feeling. The stories seemed to pull me towards them, they seemed to create a real environment in my mind, much stronger than any other one. I know a lot about FF7 I'd say, I've played it dozens of times and it seemed like some fics really seemed possible, realistic. Of course this is just my opinion but then that is what it's all about. What I like and I seemed to like that.

Then after a new mailing list was created, Bishounen Garden, I found great environments to try writing myself. By this day, I've written about a dozen fics, of them I've released about half. I love writing, ideas seem to flow in my mind and the ideas seem nice. The idea of the stories around me grabs me on a tour of another world. It's relaxing, it's creative, it's interesting.

But even as I've heard much positive from people, many have liked my fics even, which is nice to hear, I know that all peopl don't appreciate yaoi. So, I'll keep this page dedicated to my previous works, any poems I might still write..but my yaoi is elsewhere. It's no secret, I'll tell anyone where all the works are, but I won't want to put it publicly here. I value the opinions of people that dislike yaoi.

Monday, August 2nd, 1999 link of the day: Angel Black
Dreams to reality
Note to the readers - I just woke up, at 3.50 AM and just had a sudden thought of something to write. This is all crazy, and I might think twice if I'd wait until morning...I guess that's the point - I want to write what's in my mind right now.

Dreams. I write about dreams...there are some things I've written about dreams in the library...a pile more unfinished, or at least not released on my laptop. I write of dreams as they seem real to me. I write of dreams as I value them, and they seem to keep me alive - keep me going through every day.

Past Reality. I never seemed to like reality - it being cruel, unfriendly and lonely. But it's reality, what I'm in, I always told myself that. I live here and try to manage, and get strength from my dreams. I always had a thought in my mind that one day I'd see the sunshine of reality. I didn't know where that thought, that nice feeling came from, though. I just tried to go on, seeing what would come the next day, but reality never inspired me really. It was just the place where I began dreaming.

Today's Reality. A positive view - I've lately seen some of the worst parts of reality - the parts that make me wish I wasn't here, but I've also seen the greates ones of it. The parts that emerge from reality - and are as such more than the sum of their components. I see the darkness of reality, but I see the light and I know the power of the light.

Reality within. I gather my thoughts from within me, I learn my feelings. I've had feelings that I've written about, feelings that tell me of the power not here as part of this reality. I've written of those as I wanted to write about something I felt nice about - the only thing I felt nice about. Now there's more to it. While my mind is happy, and I feel like in some parts the same person, there isn't that feeling of inspiration.

Reality's judgement. An inspiration - what makes me grab the keyboard and write - write of my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams, my power that keeps me going. That was the inspiration I had, but now I feel it's gone. Is it a judgement of reality, that when one thing is gained, another is lost. It is the law of the world, that every gain is a loss, and vice versa, but I still don't want to believe it's all gone.

But even in all this happiness, I feel that I might have lost something forever, for now, the inspiration is not with me. Is that the finale of what I thought might last and eventually become something good.

Only time will tell

Saturday, 22nd May, 1999 link of the day: Katana's Shinji Page
The skyscraper is built, but we're waiting to get the keys to the main door...
Feels like just that right now...I finally got the first part of the second gallery ready. A twenty pic collection of Aya, a new picture viewing piece of code on the page, everything seems to work...so why am I not releasing it? It's my search for little things...of course, now that the gallery would be in two parts, there has to be an index page separating the two galleries. So, I thought of putting pics of Aya and Cloud on that page. I found the -perfect- pic of Cloud for the place, but I haven't requested pic usage from that artist yet, so I'm waiting for a permission.

I'm sure it won't take real long...meanwhile, check out the link of the day - this is a nice page dedicated to Shinji Ikari of Evangelion. I liked Shinji too, when I watched Evangelion. I actually really loved the whole series...and to think I almost never watched it, it wasn't before BluSkye convinced me to watch it. As I've noted before, I haven't seen too much anime yet, but I still know what I like and that includes at least Evangelion and Gundam Wing. Hmm, next I might try to find a page dedicated to Duo Maxwell, I think he's my favorite in Gundam Wing.

Hmm, did I promise I'd write a bit of Kawaii overdose too...it's going to be another long update, try to stay awake ^^. I'll detail this more precisely in the next few weeks and write a separate page of it. The idea is however simple: you're watching anime, browsing through anime pics while being in a certain type of mood. Soon, your eyes just come closer and closer to the monitor(assuming you're watching them on a monitor) and you start feeling a bit unsure of reality, you feel like you _REALLY_ are/need to be/want to be part of what you're looking at. The one more thing worth noting is that it's a very temporary "condition", there are other names for cases where this becomes a way of life.

Okay, time to put a halt to the forever-continuing babble...at least for know. Gnight everyone ^_^

Friday, 14th May, 1999 link of the day: Anime lover/Coke webring
Musical words
So, I finally got my first song written which I could actually sing - as I borrowed the melody. Not much, but it helped me a bit to hear what something I wrote myself sounds like. So, what did it sound like?

Not horrible. Not good either. But I learned what I needed - I can eventually succeed better if I keep working on it. And I promise here and now to you and myself, that eventually, probably in the next few months, or whenever I write my first song which I like a little bit better, I'll put an .MP3 of it here. I know people won't want to download it, but it's a symbol to myself. I just need to know I'm sure enough of myself to put my own voice available.

Another idea in my mind was taking pics of my own room and put them online...you could see what a mess I live in. I've seen other people do that so I though I'd give it a shot. It'll take some doing though, maybe a dozen pics and them a lot of text. Hope I get my digital camera back soon.

This is growing to be a large update but I felt like talking about it too. I've had a lot of positive comments on these pages, and I owe lot of good people many thanks for their trouble. I'd like to name some of those people here, there are others which I forgot. I'm using the nicknames of people, I'm not sure everyone wants to talk about their real names on the net.

Thanks to the people on the Bad Candy BBS, including Kell, Tony, James, Gothicwing, April and others(you know who you are). Also, a very special thanks to BluSkye for a lot of support in every possible way. I would never have even started this if it wasn't for these people, and I'm in your debt. Thank you.

Thursday, 6th May, 1999
Cloud and Zack ^_^
To continue yesterday's story, here's the picture I promised. Zack is on the left and Cloud is on the right. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, read the information on yesterday before checking out this picture(640x480 JPG, 75 kb)
Wednesday, 5th May, 1999
"They were meant to be together"
Today, I'm turning over to the nex page of weirdness in my life. So often in the world of anime there is a story of two people who are good friends to one another, but the story doesn't work in the favor of that friendship. There are many shrines on the internet that tell the story of these people, and I've somehow wanted to be a part of it...to somehow remember these moments on friendship that are commonly very shortly described in the stories. My way is to name objects after these people. To start, I've give two computers at work the names Cloud and Zack remembering the story of Final Fantasy VII. They're two computers together, on the same table...just little details but I think worth the little trouble of organizing. They are only names on the network, and a few written names on metal boxes, but they're together. I've taken a picture of these...I don't think anyone cares, but I like to have a record of this. I'll get them from work maybe tomorrow and put them online.

The next project is to name two computer Shinji and Kaoru...I won't write spoiler info here - those who have watched episode 24 of Evangelion know about this. After that, I think I'll be using names from Gundam Wing, Heero/Duo and Quatre/Trowa most likely.

And as a little note, I should've updated the gallery a long time ago but I've been really depressed lately, I just haven't been able to make myself do that. I guess it's because I've been waiting for an email from someone for some while...I really hope I get it one day.

Friday, 30th April, 1999
Opening my eyes
I've been hanging around with everything anime related for a while, but I'd never actually seen any episode of an anime series before, only clips, still images and so. Yesterday however, that changed. With the help of the efnet channel #animeheaven and some patience, during this week I managed to download over a gigabyte of different anime episodes. So, I sat down and watched the two first episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and three of Gundam Wing...I -LOVE- them...I'll never appreciate western tv too much again. Soon, I intend to watch a little bit of Slayers.

Then comes the hard part...I can't just download everything I want and even if I could, the image quality is not so great, so I'm going to have to buy some originals. Laserdiscs are available, but they cost a lot and even as the laserdisc players are cheaper now, they're not free. I'd hate to waste money on any more video cassettes especially knowing that some USA cassettes can't be played here. DVD would be the choice, but the best of anime aren't available on dvd, at least not yet. But however I'll eventually do this, the facts are clear - I'm very much addicted to anime and I'll be buying more, on whatever media is available.

And now, it's time to celebrate the first of May...I don't think I'll be in any other mood than the common party mood for this weekend. Have fun everyone ^_^

Monday, 26th April, 1999 link of the day: http://www.animeondvd.com
The release
It took a while, problems were everywhere and it's still far from ready - but it's enough for publishing. Fot the last weekend, I worked on this constantly, to the last minute. I've got a lot more to do, but somehow I feel a lot more like doing it now, when the base of this is ready. Maybe in a week or so, the fan arts area could be opened...there's also more to be published still in the official gallery. But I finally feel like I've done something. I've made dozens of web pages, but this is the first one that I really care for.

The link of the day is a good resource on Anime DVD information. The problem just is, that to order everything I wanted, I'd have to be a millionaire. Well, I'll still try to get a few anime dvd's bought soon. Maybe next month.

Friday, 23rd April, 1999
Back with energy
So it took so many weeks...I never anticipated that I'd run into this level of tech problems. Now I'm back at work, though, after more problems than I could easily count(yes, I'm lousy at maths ^__^). Tonight, I'll try to finish some of the 3d logos that go to the top of each page. If you've ever stopped looking at the anything-but-logical order of the blue sphere in the logos, I should note...I just put them here and there, I don't really try to "say" anything with them. They're just spheres, they can't comment agains my crazy way of positioning them <>>

The last time I wrote here, I mentioned that I needed a vacation. I took one week of vacation and I have to say, it's one of the best things I ever did. I wrote this and that, I got to sleep enough and I didn't have any work to worry about. Okay, enough babble for today, back to work...thanks to everyone who's been asking about the progress of the site during the while

Wednesday, 18th March, 1999 link of the day: endlessly clear white
Empty
It's been proven once again...when everything at work and everything about the normal life that everyone sees when looking at me, is right, means that inside I'm empty. Very empty. I haven't gotten a single poem or song even started, I haven't been practicing singing much. If it weren't for the great anime fan arts and fan fics sites on the net, I would probably be suffering from total depression, again.

I need a vacation...the sooner the better. If I would just TAKE that vacation, all would be ok but blah...I'm always worried that I don't know how to spend it. Actually, I know exactly how to spend it - without a computer, or maybe just an old portable to do some writing but no net, no games and especially NO EMAIL. I'd even live without seeing the Weiß Kreuz and Cosplay mailing lists for a week or two. I'm wearing myself apart more than I'm really willing to admit myself and the only person that I share this with is ... well ok, the walls can't be considered people even if they are good listeners. But for now I can only go to sleep and hope that my dreams will make tomorrow brighter. So again, I seek a dream...

Tuesday, 9th March, 1999 link of the day: usenet manga glossary
A writers moment to read
Today, instead of writing anything, I read. I read through more and more FF VII fanfics than ever before in a row. I was actually staring at my monitor for four hours straight, as I was lazy to print them. At this point, I think I've seen just about every type of FF VII fanfics - there's all kinds of humorous ones, cross-overs, dramatic ones, very weird ones. There are real short ones, then some huge ones; one of them that I printed became a little less than a hundred A4 paper sheets(A4 is almost the same as US Letter).  And there's more - there are those focusing on a specific character, exploring one character more, those focusing on a relationship between two or more characters, those adding parts to the official story and those continuing it. Some focus more on the story and some more on the characters. And to the more sensitive areas, there are odd relationships, new people and the net also seems to be full of yaoi/shounen ai related material...

Well, that was another ten lines well spent, and little said. But that's just me, I start writing then I always seem to go on and(STOP IT ALREADY!!!). More later ;~>

Sunday, 7th March, 1999
Another beginning
A start, a beginning...no matter how small, it's one of our greater wonders. But a beginning is also an ending, if nothing else, then an end to nothingness. This time, I feel whatever I've lost is worth it, and the new beginning is powerful. I am talking of course about the beginning of this journal. I've never kept a track of my doings really well, but I might give it a try now. So, to begin this, something about my weekend.

I went to bed early this friday, that's something I rarely do. I wanted to go out to town during daylight and I actually managed to do that. The bad part was that Kukunor(the pages are in Finnish, but by scrolling down, you can get an idea of what they sell) still didn't have the new Final Fantasy VII wall scrolls they should've had a week ago already. Even worse, they've been delayed for a month. Well, good things are worth waiting for. So, instead of getting a chance to stare at a wallscroll for hours, I'll continue my almost-neverending work with these pages. It's been over a month, but I'm hoping to get enough done so I can finally publish something on the net.